Saturday, November 29, 2008

Defending Pirates

For some reason, our clients in Somalia have been getting a bad rap in the media. We at Dewey Cheatham & Howe are proud of our long history defending pirates. Piracy is a well-established profession with traditions dating back centuries.

With the latest outbreak of negative media, we have moved into high gear. First we acquired a Somali law firm. This was an easy move. Lawyers there work for peanuts. Literally. Poor bastards are hungry. Even the ones with nut allergies are willing to take the risk. Something about peanuts not really being nuts or something like that.

Anyway, we made our presence known by offering to negotiate with ship owners on behalf of the pirates. We hadn't actually signed them up as clients yet, but figured once we had a solid package in hand we'd win them over.

The negotiations were helped by our past representation of many of the ship owners and the ultimate owners of the oil, chemicals and weapons on the ships. Some of our old clients were a little annoyed about some notion of a conflict of interest, but we reassured them that we were only interested in our own profits before anyway.

We are now working on the pirates to get them on board. They killed the first Somali lawyer we sent over. Apparently they want more than peanuts. We'll try fruit next, and if that doesn't work we may have to go to our regular 50% contingency fee.

There have been some disturbing signs that Somalia might move towards a stable government. We're pretty sure we can keep that from happening. We wouldn't want that cutting into our billings.

We're hoping that we can get our prospective clients to go after bigger fish. Sure an oil tanker has a substantial cargo, but if we could get them to nab a big cruise ship we think the ransoms would go a lot higher.

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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Al Franken: Applying Our Legal Skills

At Dewey Cheatham & Howe, we are honored to be part of the Al Franken legal team. Stealing elections in court has been a proud tradition at our firm for decades. Thanks to the Bush-Gore 2000 presidential election, the Supreme Court has now made it socially acceptable as well.

While Franken has other firms doing the grunt work of litigating the minor issues, we are sending our top associates and interns to wine and dine key judges. We have a pretty good idea which courts the case will go to, and a visit to the Minnesota Supreme Court seems likely at some point. We expect to get the most mileage out of Dakota County, where judges already have a reputation for fixing tickets. We figure, if they'll fix a DWI for a neighbor, imagine what they'll do in an election if we get photos of them with a hooker. And if it doesn't work out, we can always sign up the spouse as a divorce client.

Just another day for Dewey Cheatham & Howe.

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Monday, November 17, 2008

Welcome to Dewey Cheatham & Howe

Welcome to the Dewey Cheatham & Howe blog. We'll be giving you the inside scoop on the hottest legal news. Stay tuned.