Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Lawyers' Guide to Crime: Part One

Here at Dewey Cheatham, we often come across cases where our clients are so stupid they should go to jail for being idiots. We do our best to keep them out anyway.

Based on this experience, we feel it's time to advise the general public, and especially the criminals. In this installment, inspired by Glamour magazine, we're going to have some Do's and Don'ts.

Don't leave drugs out in the open.
Do hide your drugs. Use the trunk. This works for underage girls and dead bodies too.

Don't tell the police anything. Where you're coming from, where you're going, how much you had to drink, etc.
Do remain silent. You've probably heard it on TV -- You have the right to remain silent .... Use it!

Don't smoke pot in the car. Cops can smell it.
Do come to our office if you're female between the ages of 15 and 25. We'll supply all the drugs and KY too.

Don't consent to searches. For crying out loud, if you have drugs in your car, why would you let them search?
Do refuse searches. Yell out as loud as you can: "No you can't search my car!" You want bystanders to hear so you have witnesses.
Do record all police encounters if possible. Record audio and video if possible. Cops lie like crazy and judges pretend they believe them. You want good evidence.

Don't speed excessively or drive like a maniac if you are doing something seriously illegal. Aim for 5 mph over the limit.
Don't drive a [censored]. Okay, it's not a nice word, but that's what a lot of cops are thinking if you drive around in the wrong kind of vehicle. You probably know what we mean, but just in case:
There's no better way to get stopped, frisked, searched and more than to drive one of these babies. Don't believe us? Then read this story.
Do drive the kind of cars driven by soccer moms. Think Volvo wagon. If cops see you in that, the worst thing they'll think is that you're banging the au pair, and they'll respect you for it.

Don't be rude to the police. It doesn't help.
Don't suck up either. Might make them suspicious.
Do pretend to be a little nervous. You're supposed to be. The guy has a badge, a gun, and he's shining a flashlight in your face. Showing a little fear adds to the power rush and makes him feel good.
Do show a PBA card if you have one. Usually doesn't hurt and sometimes it helps. Window sticker is even better.

This guide is a work in progress. Stay tuned!

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