Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Max Baucus Drunk? This Is How Lobbying Works

A number of people have pointed to the following video as an indication that Senator Max Baucus was drunk while speaking in the Senate chamber.

Really, this is a testament to the success of our firm's lobbying practice. A member of our team had met with Senator Baucus shortly before this occurred.

Consistent with our methods, she used all appropriate measures, and quite a few inappropriate ones, to persuade the Senator to support a key loophole in the health care reform package. She assures us that alcohol was really a minor player in this incident.

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Friday, September 4, 2009

Fast growing law firm

Our satellite office in Albany got this funny letter in the mail today. Images are below, but here are some highlights:

Dear Attorney
If you are at a point in your legal career that requires a new direction ...

Instead of "Dear Attorney" it should say "Dear Loser".

[Our] firm has become one of the fastest-growing law firms in the Capital Region.

Right. That's what everyone wants in a law firm - fast growth.

Our exponential growth and exemplary reputation have recently allowed us to obtain several top-quality attorneys from long-established firms.

1. We don't think these guys know what exponential means.
2. Exemplary reputation? We ain't heard of you down here in the city baby! Of course, Albany is a backwater.
3. We suspect the "long-established local firms" fell apart, and the losers who didn't have their business fell for this sucker pitch.

We can work with you to develop an ethically compliant formal agreement that will allow financial compensation for matters referred between our practices.

We can do better. We're not constrained by these ethical requirements. We'll shelter any referral compensation through off-shore entities. And our staff provide services you won't want to tell your spouse about. Call us at Dewey Cheatham Howe.

We are also eager to speak with solo practitioners who are exploring their options to make the transition into retirement.

Eager? Really starting to sound desperate now.

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Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Lawyers' Guide to Crime: Part One

Here at Dewey Cheatham, we often come across cases where our clients are so stupid they should go to jail for being idiots. We do our best to keep them out anyway.

Based on this experience, we feel it's time to advise the general public, and especially the criminals. In this installment, inspired by Glamour magazine, we're going to have some Do's and Don'ts.

Don't leave drugs out in the open.
Do hide your drugs. Use the trunk. This works for underage girls and dead bodies too.

Don't tell the police anything. Where you're coming from, where you're going, how much you had to drink, etc.
Do remain silent. You've probably heard it on TV -- You have the right to remain silent .... Use it!

Don't smoke pot in the car. Cops can smell it.
Do come to our office if you're female between the ages of 15 and 25. We'll supply all the drugs and KY too.

Don't consent to searches. For crying out loud, if you have drugs in your car, why would you let them search?
Do refuse searches. Yell out as loud as you can: "No you can't search my car!" You want bystanders to hear so you have witnesses.
Do record all police encounters if possible. Record audio and video if possible. Cops lie like crazy and judges pretend they believe them. You want good evidence.

Don't speed excessively or drive like a maniac if you are doing something seriously illegal. Aim for 5 mph over the limit.
Don't drive a [censored]. Okay, it's not a nice word, but that's what a lot of cops are thinking if you drive around in the wrong kind of vehicle. You probably know what we mean, but just in case:
There's no better way to get stopped, frisked, searched and more than to drive one of these babies. Don't believe us? Then read this story.
Do drive the kind of cars driven by soccer moms. Think Volvo wagon. If cops see you in that, the worst thing they'll think is that you're banging the au pair, and they'll respect you for it.

Don't be rude to the police. It doesn't help.
Don't suck up either. Might make them suspicious.
Do pretend to be a little nervous. You're supposed to be. The guy has a badge, a gun, and he's shining a flashlight in your face. Showing a little fear adds to the power rush and makes him feel good.
Do show a PBA card if you have one. Usually doesn't hurt and sometimes it helps. Window sticker is even better.

This guide is a work in progress. Stay tuned!

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Friday, February 27, 2009

Interesting Politics

You have to appreciate how interesting politics can get when you combine it with lawyers on the Internet. A great example is Ken Runion. He's a lawyer and a bastion of local politics in little old Guilderland NY. Lately the Ken Runion team has been messing around on the web in a highly ineffective manner.

That's in the Albany area. There was some funky web stuff there in 2008 between Tracey Brooks and Phil Steck. They were running for Congress in a primary and one accused the other of web shenanigans.

And the problem is spreading. Christine O'Donnell is running for US Senate again in Delaware. What's our role in all of this?

Well, at Dewey Cheatham & Howe, we find that chaos really helps our business hum. While other major law firms are laying off hundreds of lawyers and other staff, we continue to hire, and we get the sleaziest of the sleazy. Business is good. We'll be hiring more. Just keep that crazy politics going on and we'll have more work than we need - but we'll take it if they pay up front.


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Lobbying the Stimulus

There's been some great news coverage about lobbyists flooding Washington in an effort to get their pieces of the economic stimulus pie. Of course we're working on this ourselves.

While we're based in New York City, we have people in all the important places - and DC is a big one. Some of you may remember when one of our DC lobbyists came to New York to visit Eliot Spitzer.

You see, the whole registered lobbyist route is a sham and we don't waste our time with it. Congress and the Executive Branch are full of men. Nearly all of them are rich and horny. What do you think is more effective - a $2000 campaign contribution or a toot on the tooter?

So if you're the CEO of a large corporation and you want some stimulus, contact our lobbying practice at Dewey Cheatham & Howe. Cut us a corporate check for $100K and you'll easily bank $1M or more out of the trillions coming from Washington.

And we know times are tough. So while you're riding back to your office on the corporate jet, we'll have one of our "lobbyists" keep you comfortable. Now that's service with a smile.

But don't ask us for Tracey Brooks. She doesn't work for us.

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Friday, December 19, 2008

Bernie Madoff and Charles Ponzi - Representative Clients

We certainly were taken aback by recent events surrounding Bernie Madoff. Bernie is one of our best clients. We've been taking care of him, and his investment funds, for years.

Frankly, we are shocked by all that's happened. With our guidance, Bernie Madoff has been pursuing a well-established investment strategy with a long history. When he got started he asked us for our advice, and we reached back into the vault to the old days when we represented Charles Ponzi.

Just like in the good old days, it all was going great. Unfortunately, when the markets turned south, the investment strategy failed. It happens with all kinds of investment strategies, and this one is no different. Bernie is catching way too much heat for doing what many others have done. He just did it bigger and better. And when it failed, it failed bigger and better.

But just like with Charles Ponzi, Bernie Madoff did some things right. He got his money first, and he made sure his lawyers got paid. So we're all set. The people who are complaining ... well, there's one simple explanation. They're losers, and losers whine.

Get over it. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get going. Maybe we can help. Give us a call.

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Monday, December 8, 2008

Marc Dreier Lets Us Down

I suppose we should feel bad for Marc Dreier. He's the founder and head honcho at Dreier LLP, just up the road from us. And he just got popped for some kind of serious criminal misconduct. Something about dressing up as a union lawyer or a drag queen (who can tell the difference anyway).

But we don't feel bad for him. He had it coming. So do we of course. But we've been getting away with plenty of crap Dreier hasn't even thought of, and we'll keep getting away with it.

Just look at his firm website for an example of what they do wrong. Here are some quotes from their "overview" page:

Dreier LLP is a unique group of talented lawyers and remarkable people who have joined in a professional enterprise vigorously dedicated to advancing our clients' objectives.

Stop lying dammit! We're in this for ourselves. Sure some clients think we're helping them, but most are savvy enough to know we're just using them to steal someone else's money. As long as they get a bit along the way, they're happy.

We are not just an association of attorneys but a collaboration of attorneys, who typically had built successful practices elsewhere but sought in Dreier LLP a more current, more resourceful, more supportive environment to maximize their abilities and results.

What kind of nonsense is that? Association? Collaboration? We're all part of one big conspiracy really.

We look for and give our clients every opportunity and advantage to meet their goals. We look to foster their success and share in their success. We believe we are our clients' most important allies.

They just keep getting it backwards. We foster our own success and if a little bit trickles down to the clients, they're lucky they get something. And we're not their allies. They need us and that's all there is to it. If they could get by without us they'd drop us in a heartbeat.

We are a law firm that is relevant to whatever our clients are doing or hoping for.

That's not bad. Maybe it's good marketing or something.

But Marc Dreier showed everyone what it's really all about. Good lawyers get in position to steal hundreds of millions of dollars. His problem is he's only a good lawyer. Great lawyers get away with it. Welcome to Dewey Cheatham & Howe.