Saturday, November 29, 2008

Defending Pirates

For some reason, our clients in Somalia have been getting a bad rap in the media. We at Dewey Cheatham & Howe are proud of our long history defending pirates. Piracy is a well-established profession with traditions dating back centuries.

With the latest outbreak of negative media, we have moved into high gear. First we acquired a Somali law firm. This was an easy move. Lawyers there work for peanuts. Literally. Poor bastards are hungry. Even the ones with nut allergies are willing to take the risk. Something about peanuts not really being nuts or something like that.

Anyway, we made our presence known by offering to negotiate with ship owners on behalf of the pirates. We hadn't actually signed them up as clients yet, but figured once we had a solid package in hand we'd win them over.

The negotiations were helped by our past representation of many of the ship owners and the ultimate owners of the oil, chemicals and weapons on the ships. Some of our old clients were a little annoyed about some notion of a conflict of interest, but we reassured them that we were only interested in our own profits before anyway.

We are now working on the pirates to get them on board. They killed the first Somali lawyer we sent over. Apparently they want more than peanuts. We'll try fruit next, and if that doesn't work we may have to go to our regular 50% contingency fee.

There have been some disturbing signs that Somalia might move towards a stable government. We're pretty sure we can keep that from happening. We wouldn't want that cutting into our billings.

We're hoping that we can get our prospective clients to go after bigger fish. Sure an oil tanker has a substantial cargo, but if we could get them to nab a big cruise ship we think the ransoms would go a lot higher.

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At December 24, 2008 10:24 AM , OpenID said...

I applaud your efforts. Justice is for everyone, not just non-pirates.

At May 31, 2009 12:59 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

What I like most about your firm is your blunt honesty. Of course, at first I was side tracked by the discovery that none of you are actually named Dewey, or Cheatham, or Howe. But the fact that you retain in excess of 99% of your take for profit distribution within your organization and only send 1% to PACs, the Middle East, and hookers ("lunch" or "entertainment) shows what business acumen you have.
When I want one of my disputes to drag endlessly through the courts with just enough progress to keep it from being dismissed, I'm calling you guys first. FIRST! When I think of all the dough I wasted on lying cheating sleazebag representation, not knowing you were there to help!


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